Monday, September 29, 2008

Food Rehab

Over the weekend I ate/drank a disgusting amount of food/drink and by the time my roommate brought me home a milkshake at 10pm, I decided that I needed to detox thyself.

I remembered that Beyonce did a detox diet to prepare for "Dreamgirls" (when I went to type that, I typed "Mean Girls" at first, out of habit...), so I decided to research that. I learned that she completed what is called the "Master Cleanse," which basically consists of drinking water, lemon juice, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper all mixed up...and also drinking laxative teas and drinking a salt solution to make you... um, go twosies. I thought this was kind of gross, but I love drinking things, so it might have been do-able. And, Beyonce did go from this to this:

But then I read about the...twosies. You basically have to stay by the bathroom for a long time or else you might poop your pants by accident. I am not the kind of girl who wants to poop her pants either by accident or on purpose. Also, I read that things like this could come out:



It's bad enough contemplating the fact that shit (literally) like that could be in my body as we speak, but I really doubt I could handle dealing with it up close and personal. F'n disgusting for reals. So needless to say, I decided against the Master Cleanse. I decided instead to raw food only detox for 3 or 4 days and hopefully that will get the cravings for caffeine and chemically enhanced food out of my system...and maybe I will go back to semi-veganism!
For those of you who don't know, raw food is food that is natural and has never been cooked...which means for the next few days I will only be eating fruits and vegetables pretty much. These foods are extremely low in calories and don't have any of the shit that I'm addicted to in them (i.e. caffeine, artificial sugar, etc.), so I am going to be a grumpy ass ho, most likely. If Alicia Silverstone can do this shit, well AS IF, so can I!!!
I will let you guys know how the detox went, whether you care or not!

xoxo,
Lauren

TWSS: Blessing or Curse?

This morning I got to work and our internet wasn't working, thus leaving me unable to accomplish any important tasks like e-mailing, printing, and checking dlisted.com. I called the friendly people at Verizon Business DSL and was connected to the lovely Greta, who ultimately helped me to resolve this problem. This is how the beginning of our conversation went:

Greta: Hi, thank you for contacting Verizon Business DSL. This is Greta; how may I help you this morning?
Me: Yes, I got into the office this morning and our internet wasn't working.
Greta: I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully it won't take too long to get it up.
Me: (In my head) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
(Actually spoken) OK, great, thanks.

Does this make me immature? If so, blame Michael Scott. He's always left me satisfied and smiling.



xoxo,
Lex

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Some Things Just Make Sense

These two married each other over the weekend. Makes sense to me.



It makes more sense than Ry's last serious girlfriend, Alanis Morissette. I love me some Jagged Little Ho, but seriously, him, god of abs, with this?



Congrats to Ryan and Scarlet... I'm willing to bet you are going to have children whose hotness rivals Shiloh & Co.'s.

xoxo,
Lauren

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Head of Skate


College Humor made this video in response to Matt Damon saying that Sarah Palin's nomination was like a bad Disney movie. This video is awesome because it actually looks like a trailer for a movie that Disney would make. Definitely brought the lolz.

UGH and again this would not work when I tried to post it. Here is the link for you all.

xoxo,
Lauren

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Going Back to Philly


I love good television. I also love bad television, but I would say I love good television more. Good shows don't come around that often because the majority of American viewers like to feast their eyes on shit like "Two and a Half Men" and "King of Queens" and other garbage that's been done a billion times before. However, good programming is catching on, probably due to the success of The Office and those who fought before it (peace out Arrested Development). My newish absolute FAVORITE show is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's described as "Seinfeld on crack" and I think that is a good, semi-rudimentary description. It's the same basic dynamic of 3 guys and one girl who hang out consistently - appearing to not be able to form friendships with other people. The difference is Always Sunny is much, much more offensive. If you thought Seinfeld was bad when people were making out during Schindler's List, you might be turned off by people pretending to be retarded crackheads to get some welfare. However, if you loved all the risque things that Seinfeld had to offer, you will probably want to bang Always Sunny. I don't know that the show has incredible ratings (it's on FX, so it's not going to compare to anything on NBC or CBS, etc. anyway), but FX has ordered a 4th season which premiered last Thursday.
It's an amazing show, and I suggest you all get caught up on it!

http://www.hulu.com/ = sign up and you can watch shows for free.

Here is a cool Season 4 promo. I was having trouble posting the video, so you're going to have to do some work and click the link.

xoxo,
Lauren

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Gay Jurassic Park

Happy Hump Day, hoes.
I love having Wednesdays off and I also love that my puppy has been really chill today and just taking naps left and right. She is also like sooo in love with ice cubes, it's hilarious. We give her an ice cube and she goes nuts and bats it around the kitchen - it keeps her occupied for like 20 minutes, which is awesome.

But anyway. So, when I was like 4 years old and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always tell them I wanted to be a fashion designer and a basketball player. There is so much wrong with that - like, how did I know what a designer was when I was that young? And there was no WNBA at that point, so I don't know where I would have been playing basketball at, but I digress. Anyway, I am doing neither of those things now, but I love living vicariously through all the hot hoes of Project Runway each season. I've been catching up during the marathon today and I looooove it. I even got one of my roomies hooked on the show because I watch it so freaking much. Today, I found a link that seems to be SPOILERLICIOUS. It appears to tell us who the final two designers are, and I think it could be right. Maybe it's just a mindfuck, though. Idk. If you want to spoil yourself, click here and check it out!

xoxo,
Lauren

Saturday, September 13, 2008

AMERICAN BOY!!!

OH MAN!!!! I FORGOT TO WRITE ABOUT HOW UPSET I AM THAT KANYE GOT ARRESTED!!!!!!!!! THEM PAPS AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT GOLDDIGGERS!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Bail Bond Stores

More drama in them there Hills...
So for those of you who watch The Hills, let's discuss. I don't even really care about the whole "Speidi"/Lauren disagreements anymore because it's just boring at this point. I think it's kind of hilarious that Heidi's sister moved to L.A. because she doesn't really know how to act like she's being real yet (which Spencer and Heidi try to do - you can tell they plan some of their dialogue ahead of time). So it will be nice to see her grow as a reality show character, I suppose.
What I do think is interesting is the dynamic between Lauren, Lo, and Audrina. For those who don't watch, Lauren and Lo are best friends from way back, and Lauren and Audrina met when Lauren moved to L.A.; last season they shared an apartment. Well, this season, the 3 girls decided to all move in together - Lauren and Lo in the main house and Audrina in the guest house. It seemed like it would be a good move, with all 3 being close enough together, yet having enough space to be sane. It turns out that Lauren and Lo have gotten closer since moving in while Audrina feels like she and Lauren are growing apart. Audrina thinks that Lo is "super bitchy" and is the one that is making her friendship with Lauren turn sour. I think that's enough exposition to get you all caught up.
A few episodes ago, Lo decided to go talk to Audrina and see if they could make themselves be friends and Audrina said, "we're never going to be friends." Now, for someone who calls Lo "super bitchy," I think the pot needs to meet the kettle. Having already established that Audrina is actually the semi-bitchy one (i.e. talking behind Lo's back and refusing to even try to be her friend), I come to my next point. Audrina is super fucking boring. She never does/says anything funny, random, or interesting. All she does is talk about her life and she sounds confused a lot of the time. Lo, on the other hand, is my favorite character on the freaking Hills. Just last week, Lauren was suggesting they call "the bail bond store" to get information about jails and I was thinking "LOL, it's not a store" and then Lo said (tactfully), "umm, I don't think it's called a...store." She wasn't mean about it, she was just hilarious about it. I also respect Lo for being able to go talk to Audrina and try to figure things out and be friends. Lo is just honest and funny and that is why I love her and hate "Ceiling Eyes" (that's what Michael K calls Audrina... she does always appear to be looking up at the ceiling...).
One of my roommates, on the other hand, actually likes Audrina and hates Lo (but this is the same roommate who's favorite sextuplet on Jon & Kate + 8 is Hannah, so wtf?).

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

xoxo,
Lauren

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

My Long-Winded 90210 Review.



I have nothing else to say. Come on, CW. It's not The OC, Gossip Girls, etc. None of those shows would even exist without BH 90210. And the five minutes of Brenda screen time was a slap in the face to all of us old folks who only tuned in to see her in the first place. It was boring, predictable, and horribly cliche. LAME. After Brenda's out, so am I.

xoxo,
Lex

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Stay Tuned.


It's the day everyone born between 1980-1988 has been waiting for: the premiere of the NEW 90210! I was a total BH addict in my tween days - I had the dolls, the perfume, the bangs!

When I first heard that they were re-doing 90210, I thought they would ruin it just like they do with every Hollywood remake. When I heard that Kelly and BRENDA were coming back, I certifiably freaked out. Brenda hasn't been on screen since 1994. 1994, people!

Look for my review tomorrow. The show was not released early for critics, so it's either bad, or REALLY bad, which means it's good.

xoxo,
Lex

Open Up Your Eyes

I love voting. Like seriously, if I was a dude, I bet voting would give me a boner. If you think that statement is disturbing, maybe find a different blog to read... Anyway. I have been really excited to vote for Obama for a long time now...like wayyyyy before any of you. However, now I don't really know if I want to vote for him anymore (because he hasn't really changed his ideas too much from before he announced he would be running and I think he should have more plans by now) and was interested in hearing McCain's pick for Vice President. Well, that wily old fart decided to pick a WOMAN as his running mate... wooooow. This was an interesting strategic move and perhaps a good one, but I think McCain is relying too heavily on the fact that a large percentage of women wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton. The thing is, Sarah Palin is NOT Hillary Clinton. I don't think all the hoes in the world who supported Clinton are just automatically going to be like, "oooh that ticket has a vagine, I know who I'm voting for!" But I am majorly getting away from what I was actually going to write about.
I was going to tell you that there was a Desperate Housewives-esque rumored scandal involving Palin supposedly faking a pregnancy for her slutty daughter and passing the baby off as her own (pretending to be mama when she was really grandmama). So far, this doesn't look like it's true, BUT it has come out that her seventeen year old daughter is ACTUALLY pregnant now. Again, woooow. The reason that I think this is interesting is that Palin is one of those ignorant peeps who think that abstinence is the only bomb ass form of contraception. I mean, yes, abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control, but sometimes, oh sometimes, when you don't teach an alternative method, you end up with Juno Palin in your living room. What if Sarah-beara had simply told Bristol (yes, actually her name...) that it's better/safer/more meaningful if you wait, but if your skank instincts will not be silenced - use a condom or ask to be put on birth control. That's not so bad, is it? I think it's simply irresponsible for people to disallow knowledge and thereby allow children to get knocked up by children. It just makes me mad, yo.
So to all the parents out there who read this blog (umm crickets...), it would be nice if your kids listened to everything you said and didn't do sexy times when you didn't want them to, but it's probably better to teach them their options and remain open and supporting - that way they will come to you when they have questions or issues and they won't end up thinking that they're not pregnant just because they didn't see a stork.
On another note, I think it's whack that Palin accepted the VP nomination considering she knew her teenage daughter was pregnant - obviously the whole world was going to find about it since they heavily investigate candidates. What a wonderful mother.

xoxo,
Lauren

P.S. - just in case anyone needs some info about their junk and how it works and how to make sure their junk doesn't make a fetus: Planned Parenthood.