Thursday, November 29, 2007

Britney and Gordon: Chaotic.

I'm a sucker for the following: accents, anger, and trainwrecks. Fortunately, the winning hypothetical combo of world-famous disappointment Britney Spears and world-famous chef Gordon Ramsay embodies all of those things.

We all know more than anyone ever should about Britney's fall from grace, so I'm not going to rehash it here. (If you don't know, you're either dead, lying, or Amish, but you can read all about it on her Wikipedia page.)

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Chef Ramsay's show Kitchen Nightmares follows a simple plot line: Gordon Ramsay tries to help failing restaurants get back on track and get out of debt. It features slightly less screaming than Hell's Kitchen but slightly more tears. Nine times out of ten, the restaurants flourish under Chef Ramsay's guidance and start turning profits again.

Clearly, Chef Ramsay knows what he is doing. He has won countless awards and has 20+ successful restaurants worldwide. So, what if he could use his magic touch to help revitalize people in the same way that he does for restaurants? This is where our beloved Britney Spears enters the picture.

Without further ado, I present FOX's Hell's Bitchin': Britney's Intervention. (Language edited for television.)

Scene: Gordon Ramsay's upcoming Hollywood restaurant, Gordon Ramsay at The London, mid-afternoon.

GR: "Where the f**k is she? She said she'd be here at 1:00 and it's already f**king half past! Who the f**k does she think she is to keep f**king Chef Gordon Ramsay waiting for thirty f**king minutes?! STUPID COW!"

BS: "Hey, y'all, sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my inhaler. You know, for the asthmas and all."

GR: "What the f**k is this s**t? YOU F**KING WANKERS TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO SHOOT A 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS' COMMERCIAL WITH RACHEL F**KING RAY!"

BS: "Y'all told me we was goin' to Starbucks and McDonald's! Who is this angry dude and what language is he speakin'?"

GR: "I'm GORDON F**KING RAMSAY! The greatest G**damn chef in THE MOTHERFU**KING WORLD! *Motions to camera man* What in bloody hell is going on?"

Producer: "OK, now, don't freak out, but, this is actually a new reality special we're shooting exclusively for FOX. Britney, this is your intervention, and Gordon --

GR: "THAT'S CHEF F**KING RAMSAY TO YOU!"

Producer: ".... Sorry, Chef F**king Ramsay, you are here to get her life back on track. You know -- get her off drugs, be a responsible parent, maybe even get her singing career up and running again."

BS: "Wait, so this my INTERMISSION? Does that mean I can go to the bathroom now? Because I am DYIN' to pee, y'all."

GR: "Jesus f**king Christ, are you kidding me? I am a bloody chef, not a f**king life coach. But, I guess if anyone can help this girl, it's Chef f**king Ramsay, the greatest f**cking chef to ever walk the bloody earth. Now, Britney, the first thing you've got to do is..... WHERE THE F**K DID SHE F**KING GO?"

Producer: "I'm not sure..... I'll go find out."

GR: "YOU'RE F**KING RIGHT YOU'LL F**KING FIND OUT, YOU F**KING C**T! I DON'T HAVE ALL F**KING DAY! I'VE GOT F**KING PORTOBELLO RISOTTO TO MAKE!"

Alli Sims: "Sorry, everyone. It looks like Britney's done for the day. She's already on her way to the doctor for some lip injections. It's been real!"

GR: "BOLLOCKS! I could have helped that sad f**king cow! It's not f**king over, Britney!"

END SCENE
xoxo,
Lex

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I would watch that show. I would also watch Britney on the real "Intervention" show. And I think they have a show over in the UK where some mega music producer tries to jump start the careers of has been singers. But it does not star one Chef F*****G Ramsay!