Friday, November 30, 2007

Hail Mary, Full of Nancy Grace

Stupid ass Nancy Grace has her twins at home with her now. They were both born premature and that boy one was taking all the girl one's food because she was like 2 lbs. or something like that. She blogs about her babies, I make fun of her blog:

"Am finally home with both twins and am so blessed. (Blessed right from Satan's himself, yes you are) Your prayers and kind thoughts are so powerful, thank you. I wish you could see the twins right now. Even in separate bassinets, they turn their heads the same way, make the same motions, the same sounds, the same expressions. (That is because they are babies and all babies do the same shit.) They are so bonded after being together for all those months. it makes me happy to know they will always have each other, I pray! (This is a little creepy. To always have each other, they will have to live the exact same amount of time. They both aren't going to die of cancer or AIDS at the same exact second, so Nan is basically hoping her kids die together in a freak accident. Nice sentiment, Mama Bear.) Being in the hospital for those two weeks was really something, but leaving the twins behind when I was discharged was the worst. (Yeah, that probably sucked, but I am still laughing at her discharge here.) Then, after John David came home, I could hardly stand leaving little Lucy there alone each day. I am the happiest person in the world now that we are all together again. They still quiet down when I sing to them, the same old songs. Today, I held them, alternating one then the other, for five straight hours! We spent the afternoon, them eating and sleeping, I just watched their faces. (Seriously? Creepy, right?) They look so much alike, Lucy just a miniature version of her big brother! (Each a smaller baby penis than the next... that was wrong. But seriously, she is a little baby female, they can't look exactly alike.) He is older by exactly one minute. (Exactly one minute my ass. I'm sure they were counting the exact seconds here.) I hope to introduce them to you when I come back to the airwaves if they are up to it. They are so tiny and fragile. I think you will love them too! What a Christmas this will be!! I still can't believe something so wonderful happened to me! (NEITHER CAN WE, Nancy...neither can we.) Dreams really can come true! Ngrace"

I was watching The Soup one day and someone called into Nan's show and was like, "Congrats on the babies, but it's not going to happen this time." Nan was like, wtf?!? And the lady was like, "Umm. I was just saying congratulations on being pregnant." It was the weirdest thing ever. Nancy was on Law & Order: SVU. She does not deserve an acting credit of the same calibur as ELLIOT STABLER...blasphemy, I freaking swear.

xoxo,
Lauren

source: Nancy's CNN Blog

An Office: Starring Scott Michaels.

Is that really this guy's name? Because no one else seems to have a similarly clever moniker, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say it is. I kind of like this younger, shaggier, more promiscuous take on Jim Halpert.



Is the writer's strike over yet?

xoxo,
Lex

Two Poohs, One Cup.




I don't mean to be immature, but, couldn't they find a better title for this book? This is Disney for God's sake.



xoxo,
Lex




Why wasn't my high school like this?

Just wanted to post this because it's awesome. One year in tap class we all begged the teacher to let us dance to this for our recital, but she said no because apparently "hot lunch" is also some weird sex thing...? I don't know, and I'm not about to do a Google search to find out, either.



Is it just me or is Bruno (the piano player) hot in a dorky way?

xoxo,
Lex

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Attention, hoes: Buddha does not have love for your nude photos.

Buddha from I Love New York 2 has posted a MySpace bulletin kindly requesting that you stop sending him nude photographs of yourself:


Date: Nov 28, 2007 10:41 AM
Subject: ***** WOMEN PLEASE READ ******
Body: Females, DO NOT EVERY SEND ME ANY NUDE PICTURES!! I will delete you hoe-ish ass and block you from contacting me FOREVER!!My mom didn't raise a no dog! I don't even know WHAT about my character that you've seen thus far would make a female even THINK that I'm that type of guy. DISGUSTINGLY OFFENSIVE!! and my patience for it is up. p.s. All of my LADIES please don't take offense as I'm only talking to the HOES out there, REAL TALK!.

Hear that? Do not "EVERY" send him any nude pictures! Ladies, please. Have some self-respect and send your nudes to Tailor Made instead! REAL TALK!
xoxo,
Lex

Britney and Gordon: Chaotic.

I'm a sucker for the following: accents, anger, and trainwrecks. Fortunately, the winning hypothetical combo of world-famous disappointment Britney Spears and world-famous chef Gordon Ramsay embodies all of those things.

We all know more than anyone ever should about Britney's fall from grace, so I'm not going to rehash it here. (If you don't know, you're either dead, lying, or Amish, but you can read all about it on her Wikipedia page.)

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Chef Ramsay's show Kitchen Nightmares follows a simple plot line: Gordon Ramsay tries to help failing restaurants get back on track and get out of debt. It features slightly less screaming than Hell's Kitchen but slightly more tears. Nine times out of ten, the restaurants flourish under Chef Ramsay's guidance and start turning profits again.

Clearly, Chef Ramsay knows what he is doing. He has won countless awards and has 20+ successful restaurants worldwide. So, what if he could use his magic touch to help revitalize people in the same way that he does for restaurants? This is where our beloved Britney Spears enters the picture.

Without further ado, I present FOX's Hell's Bitchin': Britney's Intervention. (Language edited for television.)

Scene: Gordon Ramsay's upcoming Hollywood restaurant, Gordon Ramsay at The London, mid-afternoon.

GR: "Where the f**k is she? She said she'd be here at 1:00 and it's already f**king half past! Who the f**k does she think she is to keep f**king Chef Gordon Ramsay waiting for thirty f**king minutes?! STUPID COW!"

BS: "Hey, y'all, sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my inhaler. You know, for the asthmas and all."

GR: "What the f**k is this s**t? YOU F**KING WANKERS TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO SHOOT A 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS' COMMERCIAL WITH RACHEL F**KING RAY!"

BS: "Y'all told me we was goin' to Starbucks and McDonald's! Who is this angry dude and what language is he speakin'?"

GR: "I'm GORDON F**KING RAMSAY! The greatest G**damn chef in THE MOTHERFU**KING WORLD! *Motions to camera man* What in bloody hell is going on?"

Producer: "OK, now, don't freak out, but, this is actually a new reality special we're shooting exclusively for FOX. Britney, this is your intervention, and Gordon --

GR: "THAT'S CHEF F**KING RAMSAY TO YOU!"

Producer: ".... Sorry, Chef F**king Ramsay, you are here to get her life back on track. You know -- get her off drugs, be a responsible parent, maybe even get her singing career up and running again."

BS: "Wait, so this my INTERMISSION? Does that mean I can go to the bathroom now? Because I am DYIN' to pee, y'all."

GR: "Jesus f**king Christ, are you kidding me? I am a bloody chef, not a f**king life coach. But, I guess if anyone can help this girl, it's Chef f**king Ramsay, the greatest f**cking chef to ever walk the bloody earth. Now, Britney, the first thing you've got to do is..... WHERE THE F**K DID SHE F**KING GO?"

Producer: "I'm not sure..... I'll go find out."

GR: "YOU'RE F**KING RIGHT YOU'LL F**KING FIND OUT, YOU F**KING C**T! I DON'T HAVE ALL F**KING DAY! I'VE GOT F**KING PORTOBELLO RISOTTO TO MAKE!"

Alli Sims: "Sorry, everyone. It looks like Britney's done for the day. She's already on her way to the doctor for some lip injections. It's been real!"

GR: "BOLLOCKS! I could have helped that sad f**king cow! It's not f**king over, Britney!"

END SCENE
xoxo,
Lex

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Have You Been Nice This Year? Yeeeesh...

I have a love/hate relationship with margaritas (leaning toward "love"). While shopping last weekend, I spotted this margarita accoutrement...it was like an Oasis in the desert. I'm writing my letter to S. Claus and hopefully I'll wake up to frozen delights on Christmas morn.

Here is a link to this wonder: here.

xoxo,
Lauren

P.S. If anyone wants to beat Santa to the punch and buy this for me, go for it.

"It Would Probably Be Funner Than Here!"

This is basically awesome:



xoxo,
Lauren

All of You Put the "Ho" in Hogan

You know how they say that children of divorce often feel like their parents splitting up is somehow their fault? That's usually not true. Usually, parents split up because one of them has a trouser snake on the loose or someone caught jungle fever or something. There are a few cases, however, where the children are at fault, and I think they should be told about it.


To: Brooke and Nick Hogan
From: Sooperserial
RE: All Your Fault


Brooke & Nick,

It has come to our attention here at Sooperserial that you both contributed to your parents divorce in separate, yet equally harmful ways. Brooke - looking like a clown tranny in the face, having what appears to be the contents of your piggy bank on your teeth, and dressing like a 20 year old girl who was an ugly duckling as a child and now thinks she's super hot so she wears clothes that shows off her new & improved self. Sidenote: not so improved. And Nick - you didn't do much except PUT SOMEONE IN A PERMANENT COMA! Enough said. The combined stress of having to look at Brooke and having to fight Nick's legal battles has driven a wedge between your parents. They do not have the balls to tell you this themselves (b/c of the 'roids and the fact that your mother isn't actually a man - just kind of looks like one), so we figured we would do it for you. We have enclosed some photographic evidence of your offenses. Enjoy your time spending Thanksgiving with mom and Christmas with dad.

Love,
Sooperserial

ENCLOSURES:







xoxo,
Lauren
P.S. I'm in law school, but can I get sued for this? I hope not.

I recently applied for a loan.....

Unfortunately, I was denied.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

xoxo,
Lex

I see pretty girls everywhere I go.

I'm sure most people have seen Johnny Knoxville's movie The Ringer by now. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I think that those who see it as detrimental to people with disabilities should chill the eff out. The Kennedy family and the Special Olympics have endorsed the film because of its overall message of tolerance. That being said, I really want the band from the movie's dance scene, The Kids of Widney High, to come to Pittsburgh. They are a band of real special ed kids from LA and I think they're awesome.



xoxo,
Lex

Gimme, Gimme, Birth Control.


Great news, y'all! Britney Spears might be pregnant again! Her own personal Howard K. Stern, J.R. Rotem, allegedly confirmed that he IS the father, Maury. Time to celebrate: Cheetos and Fraps all around!

(Image Source: Gallery of the Absurd)

xoxo,
Lex


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

BFF - Bamboozle. Friends. Funny.

I really liked that ref that Lex posted about. Even if he called that against the Steelers one day, I probably couldn't really be that mad.

I was thinking the other day about how much I like games and how awesome the game "Bamboozle" is. Bamboozle is a fictional game show from Friends. Joey was the potential host and practiced hosting while Chandler and Ross pretended to be contestants. I just watch this clip and wish with all my heart it was freaking real. "Tell it to the time turtle!"

To our German readers: DO NOT WORRY!!! This clip has super sexy subtitles just for you! Das boot!




P.S. I am a Friends trivia ho, ask me anything.

xoxo,
Lauren

Not a "69" joke (this time).

Even if you aren't a football fan, I guarantee you will LOL at the ref's awesomely sassy call.
(Source: Best Week Ever)



xoxo,
Lex

Baby, it's cold outside.



As Lauren noted yesterday, we will unfortunately not be able to see what Christmas looks like at Dunder Mifflin this year. How depressing. However, I think this looks almost as good. And I don't even like The Gap.

(Source: OfficeTally)

xoxo,
Lex

Watch out for Vigo, Trump.

I was going to post an awesome mash-up of the Britney Spears/Bobby Brown versions of "My Prerogative," but I came across something much, much better on YouTube: the music video for Bobby Brown's "On Our Own," the theme song for Ghostbusters II. Yes, it is slightly depressing to see that glimpse of a young and healthy Christopher Reeve, but the rest of the video definitely makes up for it.



Sidenote: Still waiting on that Ghostbusters III. Any day now, Bill Murray.

xoxo,
Lex

Monday, November 26, 2007

WGA Strike/Plastic Surgery

I really liked Lex's story about Pacey Witter; it inspired me to write an actual blog.

Lately I have been really SAD PANTS about the fact that the WGA is on strike. I completely agree with their position, and I am behind their strike, but it saddens me that I won't be able to see the annual awesome The Office Christmas episode until god knows when. Dang, y'all. I don't think we have readers yet, but if we do, and he/she does not understand the strike, then check out: http://www.unitedhollywood.com/. There's a video on there called "Why We Fight" that does an excellent job of explaining the whole situation.

I'm watching a show on Video Hits 1 about plastic surgery. This one lady went from looking like Quasimodo to looking like a drag queen. I'm not sure which of those things is better.
Some lady just said she had her toes shortened so that she could wear better shoes. I have a foot deformity and even I would not have my f'n toe shortened (to see said deformity: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morton%27s_toe). The only kind of plastic surgery that's good is the kind that turns you into a dolphin or a black basketball playa, kno' (what I) me'?

xoxo,
Lauren

Pacey Witter's Seven Feet Tall!


Earlier today I found myself wondering about the sexy that is Joshua Jackson. Whatever happened to our beloved Charlie Conway/Pacey Witter? Thank the Lord for Wikipedia. (Seriously, I don't know how I graduated college without it.) Lauren said that he has been dating Helen from the movie Troy - a fact that was quickly confirmed by Wiki. This brought me to the page devoted exclusively to Pacey Witter, a fictional character. Its detail is both admirable and sad, containing such gems as:

- "Pacey is a romantic at heart, but he tends to jump straight into the sack when it comes to women."
-"He also breaks up with Andie because she cheated on him with another patient while in treatment for her mental illness."
And finally,
-"Pacey also comically enters a beauty pageant and performs a skit from Braveheart."

The latter is absolutely a fan favorite. Here is the YouTube link for your viewing pleasure. I was going to additionally post Joey Potter (aka brainwashed "Kate" Holmes)'s abysmal rendition of "On My Own" from the same episode, but I just don't have the strength.

I think my effort in this post just proved to be as sad as those who contributed to the Pacey Witter Wiki page, but, enjoy the video.

xoxo,
Lex

Welcome

Welcome to what is sure to be the second best blog, ever (Michael K. is #1 in our hearts). Look forward to awesome blogs. Leave love.

xoxo,
Lex and Lauren